Your Boobs (or, the post my friends will crucify me for)

I read a lot of blogs and I am pretty heavily invested in social media.  This has ensured that even though I do not have children, I know far more than I’ve ever wanted to about natural parenting.  I can step back and appreciate a lot of what I’ve learned; it seems obvious that hospitals have made a business out of birthing babies when they were never necessary historically, that companies are making fortunes on unneeded convenience items they’re trying to convince you are essential, and that shelter, love, and a nice pair of milk-producing boobies are generally enough to raise healthy kids.

I’ll be straight-up honest; the idea of breastfeeding kind of grosses me out, but I feel like I was raised in a time/culture where breasts were portrayed as sexual objects.  Maybe it’s because of this aversion that even though I know breastfeeding is the healthiest and best way to nourish a child, it still bothers me to see women doing it.  And now it’s trendy to crusade for popping your boobies out in public for your baby to have a quick snack.

Not going to lie – that bothers me, and I’m kinda tired of seeing boobs and pro-boob propaganda on my Facebook newsfeed.  This doesn’t mean that I’m opposed to breastfeeding, just that I don’t want to witness it.  By all means, feed your child how you see fit – but why do you have to do it when you’re walking through Walmart?  Or when we’re eating dinner at a nice restaurant?  Or when you’re in the stands watching your school-aged child play football?  It seems like there should be some way to better plan your feeding schedule, or at the very least, to pump and bottle-feed if you have to in a crowded area.

I’m not attacking your right to breastfeed; I’m questioning why I have to watch it.  And don’t say I don’t – you try walking into a room where some chick has her tits hanging out and see if you don’t notice it.  I’m sorry, but I was raised to view a woman’s breasts as part of her “private parts,” and I do perceive them as such.  I understand that their first and foremost function is to provide food for your child, but for me at least there is still that underlying sexual connotation.  You can’t even use function as a defense; sure, breastfeeding is what they’re made for, but you’d look askance at a guy whipping his penis out to piss in public, and that’s its function as well.

Don’t even get me started on child-led weaning.  When a kid can get all of its nourishment from solids, why on earth would you still want it attached to the tit?  If they can stand and reach the milk bags, they should be on a diet of solids and water.  That shit is just plain creepy.  I’m looking at you, actress whose name I can’t recall who plays Amy Farrah Fowler.  I’m looking at you, weird chick on the cover of Time magazine with a kid in commando clothes firmly attached to your bosom.  I’m looking at you, disgusting, insane, creepy Lysa Arryn of the Vale in Game of Thrones with your 7 year old freak child who gets off on defenestration.

Sorry, tangent’s over.  Back to normal people normally breastfeeding their normal babies who need that normal nourishment.  To summarize, I’m down with that, I just don’t want there to be a milk smorgasbord in inappropriate settings.  I’m going to define “inappropriate” as any place where it would be inappropriate for ME to pop my milk-less boobs out, or for my husband to take out his penis for a piss.  Probably mostly I just don’t really like babies and I find them annoying and inappropriate outside of your home, until they know better than to cry and ruin my shopping/eating/entertainment-watching experience, so I also find your boobs inappropriate when exposed outside of private locations.

Maybe this makes me a dick, but it makes me an honest one.  And I still like your kids, and I still like you, I just don’t like watching you feed them and will elect 100% of the time to not be present when that happens.  I also promise to be absent 100% of the time that a diaper needs changing.  I am an equal opportunity hater.

(I titled this post as I did because I have several dear friends who feel very strongly about a mother’s right to breastfeed in public.  I have not spoken publically about my views on this matter before so it might be news to some.  Please don’t take this as me hating on you or your kiddos!)

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